What followed was the kind of epic dressing-down that’s usually reserved for reality show eliminations, not fast-casual dining. According to multiple sources, Shaq, who is also known for his brief stint as a law enforcement officer, proceeded to lecture Walz on everything from his lackluster political record to his inability to unite even his own distant relatives—referring, of course, to the viral story of Walz’s extended family wearing “Walz’s for Trump” shirts.

“You can’t even get your own family on board,” Shaq allegedly boomed, his voice reverberating off the restaurant’s walls. “You’re supposed to be the next vice president, but you’re getting outclassed by your third cousin from Nebraska in a MAGA hat. That’s embarrassing, man.”

By this point, customers had started to gather, phones out, recording what could easily become the most memorable political takedown since the Kennedy-Nixon debates. Only, instead of discussing foreign policy, it was Shaq explaining why Walz should’ve stayed home instead of coming to Big Chicken.

“And don’t even get me started on your military record,” Shaq continued, pointing a giant finger at Walz, whose face had reportedly gone from campaign-slick to downright clammy. “All this ‘stolen valor’ talk? Retiring before your unit went to Iraq? You’ve got to own up to that stuff, man. Own up, or get out.”

Eyewitnesses said that Shaq then leaned in close, towering over Walz, and uttered the fatal words: “Don’t come back here until you fix yourself. I don’t serve disappointment. Not in my house.”

As soon as Shaq delivered the verbal slam dunk, Walz, now visibly shaken, reportedly tried to make a quick exit. Bystanders described it as “the most awkward walk of shame ever,” with Walz desperately attempting to maintain his dignity while the sound of Shaq’s booming laughter filled the restaurant.

“It was wild,” said one diner who witnessed the event. “I came here for some good chicken, but I left with a story I’ll be telling my grandkids. I’ve never seen anyone get kicked out of a restaurant so thoroughly. Shaq really laid into him.”

Walz’s campaign team, predictably, went into damage control mode shortly after the incident. “Governor Walz was merely looking to enjoy a meal and speak with a fellow public figure,” a spokesperson said in a statement. “What occurred at Big Chicken was an unfortunate misunderstanding. The governor holds Shaquille O’Neal in the highest regard and looks forward to resolving any differences.”

The campaign’s attempt at smoothing things over did little to quell the storm on social media. The hashtag #ShaqSlammedWalz began trending within hours, with countless memes and gifs circulating of Shaq dunking both basketballs and political careers. One particularly popular meme featured a picture of Shaq dunking on Walz with the caption: “Shaq serves chicken, but Walz got fried.”

While most political observers were busy dissecting Walz’s performance on the campaign trail, it seems that Shaq has become the unexpected barometer for public opinion. Known for his larger-than-life presence and straight-shooting style, Shaq’s takedown of Walz raises an important question: Is Shaq the new gatekeeper of American integrity?